Cruising Italian style

The current plight of the Costa Concordia reminds me of a comment made by Churchill.

After his retirement he was cruising the Mediterranean on an Italian cruise liner and some Italian journalists asked why an ex British Prime Minister should chose an Italian ship.

“There are three things I like about being on an Italian cruise ship” said Churchill. “First their cuisine is unsurpassed. Second their service is superb. And then, in time of emergency, there is none of this nonsense about women and children first”.

Aussie sensitivity

Three aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, ‘Well, blow me down, somebody’s gotta go and tell Coot’s wife. Mongrel says, ‘OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.’

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a carton of beer.

Bluey says, ‘Where’d you get the grog, Mongrel?’

‘Coot’s wife gave it to me,’ Mongrel replies.

‘That’s unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?’

‘Well, not exactly’, Mongrel says, ‘When she answered the door, I said to her, “you must be Coot’s widow.”

She said, ‘You must be mistaken. I’m not a widow.’

Then I said, ‘I’ll betcha a carton of grog you are.’

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.

Bureaucratic logic

A guy goes to the Ministry of Transport to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, ”Are you allergic to anything?”

He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

“Ok, have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes”, he says, “I was in Iraq for 12 months.”

The interviewer says, ”That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.” Then he asks, ”Are you disabled in any way?”

The guy says, ”Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.”

The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Okay. You’ve got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day.”

The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don’t you want me here until 10:00 am?”

“This is a government job,” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”

The ultimate Aussie wish

Two Aussies, Ferret & Knackers, were adrift in a life boat. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Ferret stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed it vigorously and sure enough out popped a genie. This genie, however was a little different. He stated he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought, Ferret blurted out,

“Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!”

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into that hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

Knackers looked disgustedly at Ferret whose wish it was that had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment Knackers said, “Nice going Dickhead! Now we’re going to have to piss in the boat.”

Simple truth 1

Partners help each other undress before sex. However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.

Simple truth 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying “congrats”. But, none of them come and touch the man’s penis and say “Good job”.

Moral of the story: “Hard work is never appreciated.”

Nature’s Viagra

A bloke came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

‘Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the cold wind for everyone to see!’ he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

‘Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?’ he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said,

‘Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea.’