Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa. While on holiday in Australia he decided to spend an afternoon visiting Bondi Beach.
As he sat on the beach looking out to sea he saw a long line of black dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by, “What are all those little black things out there?”
“They’re buoys,” said the Aussie.
“Boys?!” replied Van der Merwe. “What are they doing out there?”
“Holding up the shark net,” the Aussie told him.
“Fuckin great country!” said Van der Merwe, deeply impressed, “We’d never get away with that at home any more!”
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, ‘ I clocked you at 120 km/h, sir.’
The driver says, ‘Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.’
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: ‘Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, ‘Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?’
The wife smiles demurely and says, ‘You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.’
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, ‘F...k it woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?’
The officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.’
The driver says, ‘Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.’
The wife says, ‘Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WHY DON’T You shut the f..k up?
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ‘Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?’
I love this part....
‘Only when he’s pissed.’
Here are the five rules for men to follow for a happy life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah. He died not knowing that he would win the ‘Coolest Headstone’ contest.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It’s important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn’t lie to you.
4. It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, ‘Top o’ the mornin’ To ye! Aren’t ye Mrs. Donovan And didn’t I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?’
She replied, ‘Aye, that ye did, Father.’
The Father asked, ‘And be there any wee little ones yet?’
She replied, ‘No, not yet, Father.’
The Father said, ‘Well now, I’m going to Rome next week And I’ll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.’
She replied, ‘Oh, thank ye, Father...’
They then parted ways..
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, ‘Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?’
She replied, ‘Oh, very well, Father!’
The Father asked, ‘And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?’
She replied, ‘Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, Ten in all!’
The Father said, ‘That’s wonderful! And how is yer loving hoosband doing?’
She replied, ‘E’s gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin’ candle.’